School breaks always remind me why I hate my life.
When everyone sees them as an opportunity to bond with their children, I see it as entrapment. When everyone else gets to do fun Pinterest crafts or explore "25 family friendly places to visit on break," I feel like I got a week long prison sentence.
All I choose to see is more mess, less patience, and no fun.
I mean, I wish we could do something fun. At least more fun than hours and hours of Barney. I would love to do crafts, or go somewhere, but I can't. I can't take my 3 kids anywhere alone.
Am I whining and jealous? Of course.
Being ungrateful and selfish? Absolutely.
Honest about my feelings? Trying.
The hours are filled picking up shredded paper from books, changing diapers, and listening to whining. Mine being the loudest.
Brooklyn hits. All day.
Ellie begs. All day.
Jayden wanders. All day. Then, when he's bored or has been hit for the trillionth time by Brooklyn, he starts whining. And no one wins when Jayden whines.
And Oh. My. Gosh. They CONSTANTLY need something.
I used to try. I tried to go places and do things. But they always end with me losing my patience and hating everyone. I can't say doing absolutely nothing all day makes it any better.
As soon as Justin leaves, the countdown begins. It's like he shuts the me into the lions den and I just watch the minutes tick slowly by. Remember fear factor with the ants...exactly like that. Let. Me. OUT!
I hear the home-school-hannah moms "bless her heart-ing" me right now. "Pray more. YOU set the tone in the house. Smile and use a calm voice when addressing your children." Bla bla. You are absolutely right.
And no offense, but God clearly must have given me more than I can handle. I know all the right answers. They just don't influence my mental health or decision making all the time.
Isn't that usually the case? Our emotions just get the best of us. Perspective just goes out the window. Too many hours. Too many requests after being told no. One too many defiant behaviors.
So much for getting anything done, either.
I'm so mad I can't enjoy my children. I wish I could take them to a museum, or pull out the paints. I wish we could imagine, and build forts, and have adventures. Sometimes I rally. I forget all the fails and try, only to be disappointed. And don't even get me started at how disappointed I am with myself.
And yes, I could get help. I am sure a high schooler, or my mother-in-law, or a paid worker could help. But I don't want to need help. I want a normal, healthy 8 year old boy. I want a normal, healthy 5 year old girl. I want what I will never get.
School breaks are a reminder of all the things I don't have. And once I get all this negative whining out, I will find the blessings. I promise.
I will find the sweet moments of cuddling this week as precious. I will want to freeze time when I get a smile or a laugh. I will grab all three of them, turn on "all about that bass" and dance on the coffee table. I will pray, like I do every night, thanking God for another day as a family, together.
But I'm not there yet. I'm still in the trenches, getting hit, changing poopie diapers, and putting Ellie in timeout.
Soon, will stop being selfish. I will rally once again.
I will find them...those blessings.
Buried underneath the stress, the disappointment, and the mess.
Promise.
This is just Monday.
