4.23.2014

buried dreams


Five years into Sanfilippo, the reality of “no treatment or no cure” has become a safe place for us.  We aren’t scared of this world anymore.  

Holland, is home. 

We gathered our worldly dreams for Jayden and Brooklyn and mentally buried them 6ft. under. 

Realizing time would eventually run out taught us to be present in every moment.  

Accepting their fate made heaven all the more real.  

In fact, it wasn’t until the birth of Ellie that I can honestly say I felt a desire to live again. It reminds me of Paul saying in Phil. 1:21-23, “For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain...having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better”.   I have started to crave Rev. 21:4,  a real place where "He will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

To me, it is far safer to put my hope in eternity than a cure.

So with all this news about gene therapy, the Eliza video going viral, and the idea of a different future for Jayden and/or Brooklyn, has brought on a wreck of emotions.

My soul is restless again.

I feel like someone is trying to unbury the hopes and dreams I already laid to rest.  And before you judge me for not wanting to fight, you have to walk 5 years in my shoes.  Only people that have grieved the life of their children can understand.  

Speaking with the O’Neills brought me back to the early days with Jayden, when we believed that treatment or a cure was around the corner. But over the years, that dream was placed the box, too. We started to settle in, and wait.  

It’s the feeling of rest after a long fight, even if you've lost.  

But this news of a cure, ever changing and diminishing as the days pass, has me frazzled. Only 9 children with MPSIIIA will even be eligible for the clinical trials. There is nothing I can do to get Brooklyn and Jayden to be one of those 9.  Should I pick up the shovel and start digging? It is so dangerous to open that box of dreams.  

All this reminds me how out of control I really am.

There is a real, honest part in us that doesn’t want to fight for a cure, only to be disappointed when it doesn't come. It is like watching your children die, twice. 

But, I can’t deny that one little prayer I say everyday when I have surrender my babies to our heavenly Father…

I trust you, Lord…but please, not today. Don’t take them today. I’m not ready.  

So it is with that simple prayer, I will fight for a cure.  But not for one second, fooling myself that this is where my hope comes from. We will fight because that is what we do until the day we are all called home.  We fight because it is in the fight, God is glorified in and through us.


And that box? It needs to stay buried.  It’s full of the wrong dreams anyway.

4.21.2014

updates regarding gene therapy, please read and share

Thank you, friends!
The response to my blog post and Eliza's video, is amazing! Not only has the video gone viral, it is causing other media attention. Because of your sharing on Facebook, my last blog has over 3,000 views!

please read the updates and share: Today.com article

donations and tax deductions
To clarify, we are not a non-profit 501c3 status, so if you would like to donate directly to us, we can't give you a tax deduction, but we can make sure it gets to the right place.  All 3 links below have a 501c3 status if you prefer to get the money to them.

is this really a cure?
I don't want to mislead anyone. This is funding gene therapy clinical trials. This is essentially a cure based animal research, but only if it works in humans. There is no way to know until they do a clinical trial with children who have Sanfilippo. We are learning about everything as we go, so I don't claim to know everything. This is why the money is so important.

Why parents do the fundraising.
In a perfect world, pharmaceutical companies, like Abbott or Shire, would see the potential of life-saving treatment, and fund the clinical trial. But because Sanfilippo effects a small percentage of the overall population, unlike diabetes, cancer, or heart disease, large pharm. companies don't see gene therapy as a good, profitable investment....and that is the sad reality of rare disorders.

Or, we would need a big, generous donor or celebrity who would support the trial.  Which I don't have in my back pocket :)

Did you know there is even a data base filled with potential life-saving drugs for rare disorders that lie dormant because there wasn't is money to continue research? Who knows what cures are lying in there.

So parents, and the friends and family around us, are the only hope to raise funds for treatment at this point.  This is a grassroots campaign where every dollar REALLY counts.   Remember, the Pepsi texting campaign? This is the same place those dollars went.

Please consider donating even $20 or $50 
to Livlife or ElizaONeill or Bens Dream

We are all working together, not against one another. The more united we can be in our efforts, the better! At this point, donating to one of the three site above is the easiest, quickest, and most helpful thing you can do to support Jayden and Brooklyn.  

local involvement
We are still planning on getting together this Saturday morning at 10:00-11:00AM to pray at our house. We also will be sharing some fundraising ideas, so if you have any thoughts, please bring them!  Please shoot me a message if you are planning on coming. We may eventually become a non-profit ourself, but that would take too long and cost too much at this point in the game.



Thanks again for reading and sharing, a few simple clicks really make a difference, so if you can't donate....PLEASE share this post!

Thank you!


Here is the today.com article if you don't like following a bunch of links:

Cara and Glenn O’Neill were stunned when doctors diagnosed a deadly, rare and incurable neurological disorder in their bubbly 4-year-old, Eliza. The disease, Sanfilippo syndrome, destroys brain cells and kills its young victims before they are out of their teens.
“We felt like we were in the Twilight Zone,” said Cara, a pediatrician from Columbia, S.C. “It was stunning.”

An internet search revealed even more bad news: the disease would start taking a toll soon. Many kids start to regress by the time they hit 5 or 6, losing the ability to speak, to walk, to feed themselves. “That’s when my heart completely sank,” Glenn said.

But the search also turned up a glimmer of hope. At Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus, Ohio, researchers had discovered a gene therapy that cured the disease — but so far, only in mice.
Eliza
Stacey Quattlebaum / O'Neill Family
Affectionate, happy, active, "the kind of girl who keeps you on your toes," is how her mother Cara describes Eliza O'Neill. Her parents are raising money to research a treatment for Sanfilippo syndrome, a fatal disease that will likely kill Eliza in her teens unless a cure is found.

The researchers were ready to start testing the therapy in kids, but they needed to raise $2.5 million to put together a clinical trial. And because Sanfilippo is rare, no drug companies were signing on to fund it.

For Eliza, every moment counts. At 4, she is approaching the age when kids with Sanfilippo start losing abilities and even if the therapy would halt the disease, it wouldn’t bring back the brain cells that had been destroyed.

So the O’Neills turned to the internet once again, this time to raise the money needed for the clinical trial. Glenn actually Googled "how to make a viral video" — his first effort, a homemade video on gofundme.com, garnered donations, but not nearly enough to make a clinical trial possible.

That all changed when Benjamin Von Wong, a Canadian filmmaker, volunteered to help. He and his team spent eight days documenting the family’s story. The new video went viral with the hashtag #SavingEliza, and in six months the family has raised more than $380,000 for research.

On the video, a teary Glenn says of Sanfilippo syndrome, "You know where it's headed, it's headed toward suffering, it's headed toward pain for her. And as a father, you want to be able to protect your children."

"Hope is a nice word," mom Cara adds, "but we need action."

There is no cure. Even if the O’Neills manage to raise the $2.5 million, they know it doesn’t guarantee Eliza will be helped. She may not qualify for the trial, though researchers think she probably will. The trial may not work. And there are always risks with any unproven therapy.

With no other treatments available, those risks seem minor when weighed against the certain death that awaits Sanfilippo kids.
“As a parent, you have to be the advocate for your child,” Cara said. “You have to give them the best shot possible. And this is her best shot.”
#SavingEliza
Benjamin Von Wong / O'Neill Family
Sanfilippo syndrome usually starts to affect children around age 5 or 6; Eliza O'Neill is 4. Her parents are hoping to get her into a research trial this year.

Children with Sanfilippo syndrome are born with two copies of a faulty gene. Normally, the gene makes an enzyme that breaks down long chains of sugar molecules called glycosaminoglycans, or GAGs. They “are the glue that holds cells together,” explained Dr. Kevin Flanigan, a principal investigator at The Research Institute at Nationwide Children’s Hospital and a professor of neurology at the Ohio State University College of Medicine. Because the enzyme needed to break the GAGs down is missing, that "glue" just keeps accumulating in the cells, gunking them up and eventually killing them.
Researchers working on rare diseases like Sanfilippo syndrome often have to turn to foundations and other sources for funding. As for the O’Neills’ fundraising efforts, Flanigan said, “the amount of money they have set out to raise should allow us to complete the trial.”

The fix developed by Flanigan and his colleagues is to attach functioning copies of the gene to a harmless virus that is injected into the patient.

The beauty of the virus is that it can pass through the blood brain barrier, which means that it can be injected intravenously instead of directly into the brain, said Haiyan Fu, the researcher who started the project about 16 years ago and a principal investigator at Nationwide’s Research Institute.

The virus “infects” cells with a working copy of the gene, and delivers a correct copy of the gene to enough cells that it can fix the damage. 
Tests in a mouse model were stunningly successful.
Eliza O'Neill
Benjamin Von Wong / O'Neill Family
Eliza O'Neill cuddles with mom Cara and dad Glenn, who are desperately trying to find a treatment for her rare, fatal disease.
But mice aren’t humans and there are plenty of examples of promising therapies that cured diseases in mice but didn’t help a single person.

More worrisome is the lack of any safety data in children. It’s always possible that the body will react badly to the therapy and mount an immune response, said Dr. James M. Wilson, director of the gene therapy program at the University of Pennsylvania. Wilson’s lab developed the viral vector being used at Nationwide.

“The possibility of an immune response is something that families clearly need to be aware of,” Wilson said. “But depending on how severely affected a child is, the benefits may outweigh the risks.”

That calculation is a simple one for the O’Neills. If their daughter doesn’t get the gene therapy soon, she will start to regress and she will die in her teens.

“I think for this patient at this point the best bet is to try to get into a clinical trial,” said Dr. Maria Escolar, director of the program for neurodevelopment of rare disorders at the Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center. “This is probably the worst thing a parent can see: their child deteriorating before their eyes and they can’t do anything .”

Desperation has turned parents into advocates finding the dollars to move research along.
“I’ve been working in this field for 15 years,” Escolar said. “The biggest changes are because of parents, not the pharmaceutical industry, or the researchers. Parents push it.”
That certainly describes Jennifer Seidman. Her son Benjamin was diagnosed with Sanfilippo syndrome when he was 2. Like the O’Neills, Seidman quickly discovered there was no cure or even any therapy.

She started Ben’s Dream — The Sanfilippo Research Foundation, Inc. hoping, just as the O'Neills now do, that the money they raised might help researchers find a cure in time for her son. But Ben died this February, just a week shy of his 18th birthday.

“It’s heartbreaking and we miss him every day,” Seidman said. “But we’ve continued to move this research forward because I don’t ever want another mother to feel the way I feel and if I could prevent that, it would be a wonderful thing for me personally.”
And it might help the Seidmans find some meaning in what Ben went through.

“Fifteen years ago, I promised my son I would cure this disease,” she recalled. “Although I couldn’t do it in time for him, I’d love to leave a cure as part of his legacy.”

Linda Carroll is a regular contributor to NBCNews.com and TODAY.com. She is co-author of "The Concussion Crisis: Anatomy of a Silent Epidemic” and the forthcoming "Duel for the Crown: Affirmed, Alydar, and Racing's Greatest Rivalry"

4.17.2014

A [potential] cure for Sanfilippo is here!

Dear friends and family-

It is with great joy and anticipation I write this! God has heard your prayers. 

There is a cure for Sanfilippo! Yes, you heard right! It is a miracle!  The very thing you have been praying for on our behalf is a reality. 

What we don’t know, is if our children will receive it in time.  The door is probably closed for Jayden. His brain is too damaged for him to benefit from gene therapy, from what we understand, but we will continue to pray that isn’t the case. Brooklyn will either miss the benefits of gene therapy by days or months, or be one of the first patients to receive it, like Eliza [Eliza Video].  The only thing standing in the way of Brooklyn and this drug now is money.

What would you do if it was your child? Your loved one?

We trust only in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  We believe that the timing is all in His hands. To be honest, we take great comfort in this which is why we never fought for a cure.  But now with a cure available, we believe we need to fight.

As I type, I am sitting next to Brooklyn in an emergency room bed at Lurie Children’s, waiting.  She has been sick for weeks and we don’t know what is going on. Lab results are looking like mono. Today, we will most likely go home. As she sleeps though, she wakes with nightmares, crying out and screaming. This isn’t from mono, this is Sanfilippo shorting out her brain.  Her terrors are a vivid reminder that we don’t know how much longer we have before she starts regressing.  


I hate to be dramatic, or try to get a sympathy vote, but this is just our life. I know you all have pain and all have causes that occupy your passions, time, and heart. We are so grateful for all the support we had from Build with the Boyces and are a bit gun-shy to ask again for support. This is our mountain, and I know many of you are climbing your own. But we know we can’t, and don’t want to, climb it alone, so we are reaching out for hands.


I know Saturday, April 26 is right around the corner, but we were wondering if you were available to come pray with us? We are open to fundraising suggestions as well and will outline some opportunities.  Maybe you all could come by 10-11AM and we could pray and talk about next steps. Please private message me if you can attend.
Until then, will you share Eliza’s video and ask your friends do the same? The O'Neill's started a non-profit and all the money they raise goes directly to fund clinical trials for gene therapy at Nationwide Hospital in Ohio. Any money donated there will benefit us as well.  The video {the link is posted at the top} is going viral and is only 3 minutes so it’s our best tool to spread the word right now. Donate Here

If you want to donate closer to home, our dear friends, the Huberts, are also fundraising for clinical trials. Donate at LivLife

Thank you for your love and support.


Trusting God-

Stefanie and Justin 

1.15.2014

OASIS-Special Needs/Inclusion Ministry at Immanuel Church

It's official! 
Our doors and hearts are open and ready to include children and love families touched by disability at Immanuel Church!



I am so thrilled to see another dream become a reality.  It really is a dual blessing-our children, and the story God is writing through us, has forever changed our church family, and they have forever changed us. 

So, it is my honor, to invite families touched by disability to Immanuel.  We have already welcomed two families even before we officially opened. Join with me in prayer that more families will hear about us and come. Our first outreach step is focused on children with special needs, birth-5th grade. Once we get going, we will reach out into other age groups.  {Of course anyone is welcome at any time, we just may not be able to accommodate their needs as well}

Please share this information with everyone you know. Cut and paste our blog link onto your Facebook, Twitter, etc. Tell all your teachers and special education staff. Tell your church leaders. Who knows who will see it and be forever changed. 

THANK YOU!

All our love, 
the boyce crew


save the dates


OASIS: special needs open house 
@Immanuel Church 2300 Dilleys Rd Gurnee, IL 60031
Sunday, January 26 
12-3 PM

This is open to the public. It is an opportunity for the community and our church members to tour the special needs room, OASIS, and find out more about how to include children and love families touched by disability. We are beginning efforts are with birth through fifth grade.
Learn more about icKids here










Buddy Training

@Immanuel Church 2300 Dilleys Rd Gurnee, IL 60031
Thursday, February 06 
12-3 PM

This training provides a great overview and theology of disability ministry, some practical do's and dont's, tips, and  best practices for volunteer buddies. This is primarily for Immanuel Church attenders interested in building a relationship with a child with special needs.









Through the Roof with 
Joni & Friends
@Immanuel Church 2300 Dilleys Rd Gurnee, IL 60031
Saturday, March 15 
time and cost: TBA


Through The Roof

The vision of Through the Roof is to see the story in Mark 2:3-5 carried out all over the world – that Christ’s church would reach out, break down barriers, build bridges, and bring people affected by disability to Jesus. The Through the Roof program provides disability ministry toolstraining, and resources for churches as they develop, maintain, or expand their disability program. 
learn more about Joni and Friends here



SUNDAY MORNINGS AT IMMANUEL...

about

The Special needs/Inclusion ministry is a new component to our current icKids ministry that includes children and loves on families touched by disability. Our mission at Immanuel is to help people know Christ and grow to be more like Him. Started in 2013, we are brand new to this proactive approach, although we have informally been welcoming and including families with special needs for decades. We want every child to experience the love of Jesus, learning at their own pace, in a safe environment, while loved ones attend church. We know there is no one-size-fits-all approach to ministry, so we sit down with each family to design a plan that works for everyone involved. When needed, we have 1:1 volunteer buddies in place ready to be with your child all service. 
For the purpose of the special needs ministry, the terms “additional needs,” “special needs,” and “disability encompasses a broad range of unique needs, including but not limited to: learning differences, intellectual disability, neurological disorders, developmental delays, communication disorders, social skills deficits, physical disabilities, sensory needs, and medical conditions. A child experiencing a significant life-change (death of a family member, injury, divorce, etc.) may also benefit from the services of the ministry for a period of time (i.e, placed with an assigned buddy or in an alternate learning environment). 

Understanding why a particular individual requires the services of the ministry is often unimportant. What is important is that the ministry is able to assist identified individuals to help them experience success in the church setting. 



We may not know everything, but we want to learn. We know families experience barriers when it comes to church, and we want to do our best to remove them for people who want to come. We are starting 2014 with accommodations for families at Sunday services, and are hoping to expand to a support group and special family community events.

first-time guests

Whether your child attends the nursery, kids world, surf city, or discovery kids it is up to you, the parent/guardian, whether or not you would like to stay with your child on the first visit. We encourage parents to participate in the main worship service, but want to be flexible to your preference. We do ask that you fill out a First Time Families Card so that we have your basic information. We have buddies on call in both services to accommodate first time guests. At the end of the service, the coordinator will touch base with you to see if you plan on visiting again.  



After your second or third visit, if you plan on regularly attending, the coordinator will set up a time to meet with you and complete an intake interview to help us best serve your child. After the intake form is complete, we will get a better idea of what a Sunday may look like for your child. 

The information disclosed in all of these documents may only be shared with the ministry leaders, the individual’s 1- on-1 Buddy, and classroom teacher. 

At Immanuel, we practice the hybrid approach. This is where a church sets up a buddy system while simultaneously providing a self-contained special needs setting. We call our Special Needs room, OASIS.  By offering both options, students participate in the environment best suited to their abilities and needs. Some students may actually participate in both settings (the typical ministry environment and the special needs class) in the same day. For other kids, their accommodation plan may vary from week to week, depending on many factors such as a new medication regimen, the previous night’s sleep, home-life changes and so forth. 



Generally speaking, this is the preferred method of accommodation, partially because it closely mirrors the approach utilized by many schools. Most typical children today are used to learning next to a child with special needs. Further, it is a “win-win” for everyone. We help all children learn healthy ways of relating when we create environments that reflect real life. We should offer every child at Immanuel the opportunity to practice compassion, patience, and love for one another, regardless of ability.  When this is modeled by adults, typically developing peers are taught what it looks like to value and love everyone, to create friendships with children with special needs, and see them like Christ sees all children.  Many times, friendships among this two groups are fostered in the church setting but pour into friendships at school and outside of church.

10.18.2013

My Birthday Breakdown


Because of the nature of my job, Justin never gets to go on overnight retreats with our high schoolers.  I am in charge of all the details from booking, to schedules, permission slips, etc....except for our fall retreat. Fall retreat is with a number of other area churches and I don’t have a lot to do with the actual weekend so the option was open for Justin, instead of me, to go. So, with my blessing, he went but that meant all three kids, all weekend for me. Stubborn as I am, I really wanted to do this whole weekend with no help. I mean, I am their mom, how hard could this be?!

Now, in our home, one of us leaving takes days of strategic planning. We can’t just load up the kids to run to Target to grab milk or toothpaste on our own.  So, whenever I leave, I try my best to think though every need Justin could possibly have when I am gone and plan for days, run to the store, do laundry, plan meals, and get childcare.  However, I forgot to plan for myself to be home.  

Everything started to unravel about 30 minutes after he left.  

Once a month on Fridays, a wonderful group of people at Agape Church in Waukegan hosts a respite night for Jayden and Brooklyn (and others).  So, the first weekend challenge was to load up all 3 kids, go to Wendy’s and feed them in the car, and get them in the building without running off.  But before all that, I needed to brush my teeth.  And then it happened.

He took the toothpaste. 

Now, I am an avid Amazon bulk shopper, and I should have had a tube hidden in my stash but I didn’t.  I was a bit annoyed, but I was trying not to bother Jut so I grabbed some kiddie bubble gum paste and a kid to load up in the van, only to find all the seats in the van removed.  Justin never thought to check the van because he was in a hurry to catch the bus himself, so I frantically put the van back together, “brushed” my teeth, and loaded up the kids.  I am disappointed to say, I didn’t even last 1 hour before I texted a nasty text about the toothpaste and van. Augh.

So off I went to Wendy’s. I fed all 3 while sitting in the parking lot with them strapped in and me on the floor trying to not be kicked by Jayden. I then changed their clothes and diapers, arriving at Agape only 5 minutes late. After, Ellie and I had a nice time running to Target for toothpaste and milk, and Marshalls to get a phone charger (cause my phone died en route to Target).

I got them home, in bed, and had a great night of sleep (which is rare in our house).  But, my success was short-lived.

Saturday morning, it all fell apart.  Ellie has been teething and this means trouble. She whines, cries, doesn’t eat, wants to be held, and is generally unpleasant. [I think my ears were bleeding by the end of the day.]  Jayden was “manic”. To us, this means he is a ball of energy, laughing, running, destroying, loud and difficult to control.  And Brooklyn was naughty.  Plain and simple. She gets in moods like any kid where she is just difficult.  She was pulling hair, hitting, throwing things, and just naughty.  This set the stage for what was to come....a costume birthday party for cousin Lucy.

Lucy was born 4 years ago, during the height of our diagnosis days. Actually, during the weeks between finding out Jayden had MPS and Brooklyn’s diagnosis.  I remember sitting outside the birthing area, waiting to see Lucy, while on the phone with a woman from the National MPS society. Scripture says, “rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn”, so as Rian wept for us, we celebrated with her. Needless to say, the days surrounding her birthday were difficult.  We all secretly wrestled with why God chose Jayden and Brooklyn to have a terminal illness, and Lucy to be perfectly healthy.  

Birthday parties, I have come to realize, is a huge trigger for me emotionally.  For a number of reasons, I want to avoid other kid’s birthday parties like the plague.  I desperately try to not be selfish, and look at all the positives, but I can’t help it, they are just devastating to me.   My “birthday breakdowns” have happened a number of times since our diagnosis, but it wasn’t until Saturday that I have been able to pin point the feelings of why they are so difficult.  
Please understand, it has nothing to do with the child having the party. Whether they are friends or family, we rejoice that our loved ones get to celebrate their child turning another year older. We are blessed that our children were included in the invitation. We are thrilled to be doing life with people that love us and don’t want us excluded. We are blessed to love all these children. But that doesn’t stop the emotions from overwhelming me.

My “birthday breakdowns” evoke emotions, that when put to words, bring me to tears. Birthday parties are like funerals for me. They remind me my children are different. They remind me I am waiting for my children to die, and with every year that passes, they are getting closer to death.  They really don’t have friends. The kids naturally gravitate towards other children, leaving me (or Justin) playing with Jayden or Brooklyn alone. When all the other parents are holding their beverages, chatting and laughing, Justin and I are in the bounce house, going down a slide, or in the corner trying to wrangle our children.  Our friends and family get it, and try their best to include us, but their extended friends and family....look at us with pity.  We are commonly introduced as, “you know....the parents of the kids I told you about” followed by a sympathetic sigh and look of pity.  Sometimes, it is followed by a, “you are so strong, I don’t know how you do it...” or a sweet hello to our children.  All the while I am thinking, “if you only knew how broken I feel...” 

I feel so alone in those moments. No one gets this but Justin.  And this day, he wasn’t there. 

As I am feeding my seven year old, their children are off playing. While they are chatting, I am changing diapers. While the other kids laugh and play with each other, mine are left out. The only time they are engaged is when a child gets “encouraged” to include Jayden or Brooklyn.  None of this is wrong, I am just jealous.

I want what everyone else has and I hate that. I love my children to death, but I am ashamed to say that I am embarrassed of their behavior at times. I want them to have friendships that are genuine and not forced. The older Jayden gets, the less parties we get invited to. He just doesn’t fit in. He can’t just be “dropped off”.   He can’t relate.  It just marks how far away he is from a typical second grader. 

Birthday parties force me to acknowledge the truth.  I don’t have to see him being stared at, made fun of, or ignored anywhere else. We control our environment to protect our hearts. He is only around his same age peers at church, and I go to service so I don’t have to see it.  I don’t have to hurt if I don’t look.

Back to Lucy’s 4th birthday party. Heading into the party I was stressed. And, my fears were all realized as the painful minutes ticked by.  And then it happened. I left. About 30 minutes into a party, it becomes too much for me to handle.  When Jut is there, he silently talks me though it, and gives me the eye to suck it up for the sake of our friends or family, and I can slap on a fake smile and small talk for an hour or two.  Without him, I run. Fast and frantic. "I need to get out before I breakdown", I think, and run I did.  I got all the kids in the car and peeled out of the driveway....not saying good-bye in fear of breaking down.  

How selfish. I know. I cried all the way home and the rest of the night.  I am crying now.  It is the one area I just can’t quite work though. It hurts me to my core to acknowledge these truths.

I love my friends and family, they continue to try and include my kids. I know they love us and are teaching their kids to do the same. I guess I wish they didn’t have to. I wish it wasn’t us sometimes.  Somedays, I wish Jayden and Brooklyn just fit in. Our friends and family continue to invite us, and we continue to go. The worst thing would be to not get invited. So even though we grieve, we celebrate being included in the lives of their children.

One of the things that killed me was Brooklyn. She cried so bad when we were leaving because she so desperately wanted to stay. She doesn’t see the world as I see it, and for that, I am thankful. She loves her cousin, Lucy, and Jayden enjoyed being in the bounce house, too. I know this is my stuff, and I just need to get through it. I know I could cry, be messy, ask for help, express my feelings at any birthday party to any friend, and they would listen and support us.  But, I never want it to be about me...so I feel trapped.

I am taking an online course through Joni and Friends, called Beyond Suffering, and one article reminded me of my experience. Dr. Baker says, “the action of confessing the truth out loud changes us. When we take the convictions of our heart and speak them out loud something is transformed in us. Just as confessing the truth in our hearts about the Lordship of Jesus connects us to God spiritually, so, too, confessing the truth in our hearts about our deepest feeling connects us to God and others emotionally. Then we are no longer alone in our pain.”

9.13.2013

pride or peace?


The kids are on their way to school. Ellie is quietly sitting in her seat in the car drinking a bottle. I actually have boots on with a heel and my hair is straightened. I'm dressed and I look like a grown woman-instead of my signature gray hoodie and sweats. 

My coffee is reheated in my favorite cup.  I'm just looking for a cardigan to wear. The teal one. So “Pinterest”, I think. My casserole is warm in a fancy casserole dish carrier. And I think I might even make it on time. 

I'm headed to Jayden’s school for a parent meeting. The house, although not perfect, is decent enough to have company over unannounced. 

Somewhere long before I actually leave the driveway something usually goes wrong. I usually don't make it this far, this put together. Ever really. And I am wrestling with the emotion that's rising up in me. Is it pride or peace?  

It's 9 AM. Ready to go just need to grab the keys. This is what I long to feel. Put together. Organized. Smelling ok. On one hand, I feel peace. When my house is clean and I am on time and looking presentable, I feel calm.  But, on the other hand, I feel prideful. There is a small voice inside of me saying, “see, world? See how put together I can be?” If honesty gets the best of me....dare I say.....I want people to see? I want to be praised. THAT piece of it, is pride. I don’t think a put together moment is wrong when it brings a calm, a peace inside of me and my first reaction is to give God a shout out. 

I love feeling like I got in the car called “time” and am coasting in it, instead of frantically chasing after it. I love when I can sit and breathe. Or type and have coffee on my back porch. I love weeks like this where I become productive and clean the basements and closets.  But, the question, I guess, remains. “Who am I trying to please? Who is getting the praise for this peace?”  I always need to shift my focus to an audience of one.  I need to talk down off the ledge, my voice of pride.  I don’t need people to see how calm I am. I am really fine wearing sweats. I know the reality of moments like this. They stop. And, really, they are impossible to maintain. Somewhere, long before I actually leave the driveway, something goes wrong. 

Like, our van showing that the air is low in the back tire. Truth. Luckily, I called my manly husband, Justin, who works next door and told me to just go on over to the shop and he will put some air in it.  No problem, I think, just a few minutes late.  

Wrong turn. What was I thinking?! I know how to get to Jayden’s school! 

Now, 10 minutes late and Ellie just fell asleep so now I have to wake her and hand her to a stranger for child care. She did great, but my casserole didn’t.  It continued cooking all the way there and was brown on the  bottom.  And, common to me but, maybe not to others, this meeting is a parent support group for those of us who have children who have severe to profound disabilities. Not your average PTA meeting! (The parents I met were great and the content was very helpful.)

Sometimes, even in being vulnerable with the not so “put together” things, I struggle with pride. I have generally found peace in this world of special needs....I see the blessings, and have found my seat, and strapped in, so to speak. I think my seat number is B2.  Second row, second seat, on the special needs tilt-a-whirl. I want people to see me. To see my children. To cry, “look at me!” “Notice me, help me, love me anyway! Include me!”  That too, is pride, just less people would admit that.  

Audience of one.

I love Paul’s words in Galatians 1:10, “Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”  My peace should come from seeking God, not a clean house or cute boots.  Not from the “I’m so sorry you have to ride the tilt-a-whirl” comments, either.  Peace comes from knowing and trusting Jesus. Period. Everything else is counterfeit peace, I think.

Pride or peace? I don’t know. Hopefully peace.  


Col 3:23 Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.

9.09.2013

why we do youth ministry.


 Trever Carter is an amazing young man that we have had the honor to get to know quite well over the years as he has been a part of iMPACT, our high school ministry at Immanuel Church.  He is compassionate, funny, and has a servant's heart.  Jesus looks good shining through him. He is a blessing to iMPACT through the way he serves and loves, and a personal blessing to our family. He is even on time, thoughtful, and responsible...AND 16.

He adores Jayden and Brooklyn, and Ellie too, and has really learned a lot about life from his interactions with them. Over the summer, we were blessed to have him in our house every week for deeper, our mid-week Bible study and I went on a mission trip to San Diego with him. Trever amazes me. Even though he would be the first to admit high school is hard,  and he is no where near perfect, he continues to amaze me with his desperate pursuit after Jesus. Trever has a personal conviction to follow Christ and it is beautiful. His family doesn't attend Immanuel, and I am inspired whenever I see a student like Trever, attend youth group on his own.  He has found a second home with us, and I am so glad he is family.

For his English essay, he asked us if he could share about our children. With his permission, and our grateful heart, I wanted to share what he wrote.

THIS is why we do youth ministry. HE is why we do youth ministry.  It's a DUAL blessing, really.


Trever Carter
Mrs. Schmitz AP Lang & Comp 4 September 2013

Not So Small Wonder
The rhythmic sound of a bouncing trampoline stays constant from the other room, providing a backdrop to the rest of the organized chaos that echoes through the house.  A wagon takes a gentle roll across the hardwood floors, giggles coming from the back seat. There’s a gentle tug on my shorts. I stand in the middle of the room, and can never help but to simply smile.  In minutes like this, everything clicks. Life is precious, love is golden, and moments are to be savored.
Jayden and Brooklyn are the source of most of these commonplace noises that radiate throughout the household. These noises of laughter and melodic toys would typically constitute a, by definition, normal life. One protein, however, would change the name of the game for this family. One protein, a building block of a molecule that cannot even be seen without the ten thousand times magnification of a man-made lens, would be the protein that changed the Boyce’s lives forever, and also mine. When Jayden was about three, and Brooklyn newly born, their parents received devastating news of genetic illness. A one in twenty five thousand chance has occurred not once, but twice, and an autosomal recessive disorder would attack those who could barely walk.  This news would not only dynamically alter the lives of the Boyce family, but in turn catalyze change in the lives of everyone they met. Sanfillippo Syndrome was the curse, the disease, the diagnosis. This means these kids will grow up with special needs, function drastically lower than their age, and live short lives due to the inability to process this one simple molecule. Sanfillippo is now a word that is hard to hear; it is a word that sends icy shivers down my spine and makes me ask God one simple question, “Why? Why would this happen to a family I love? Why them?” Shortly, however, I would find out.
Now the dwelling these children walk in is a miracle in and of itself, a blessing that epitomizes the positive ramifications of faith. My church reacted to Jayden and Brooklyn’s diagnosis in a way that was to be expected by those who are basically family-- with a burning sympathy and a yearning to do more to help the Boyce’s. And that is exactly what transpired. Over a relatively short amount of time, the people of my community conjugated to raise a plethora of money and to build a handicap accessible home for these two angels. This project was ambitious, a goal that almost seemed to sit on the horizon, just out of reach. Yet with every passing day, week, and month, the horizon seemed to get closer, inviting everyone into its warm embrace. Friends, family, neighbors, and acquaintances-- everyone came together with one thing in common: indescribable and unexplainable love for Jayden and Beeba. To help raise money, many endeavored on trips they thought they would never take.  Some overcame an inexplicable fear of public speaking in order to deliver a blueprint of pledges; some went from never running a mile to running thirteen; some jumped out of a plane despite crippling fear of heights. Yet the best of all was that most broke the manacles of self-satisfaction and began to live for others.  They gave time out of theirs days to pour cement, lay foundation, and eventually begin to turn a house into a home. I was humbled to see a community morph even more so into a family, coming together to achieve a common goal. The result was an unbreakable bond created through hardship and resilience, as well as a beautiful home for a beautiful family. It truly is a miracle. 
Yet the small sets of feet that are running about the house, creating a pitter-patter as they go, are even more of a small wonder to me, both figuratively and literally. Jayden walks off of the trampoline, chewing on his fingers, and takes hold of my hand in his little one.  I begin to make funny noises- boops, baps, and whoops- tickling seven year old Jay, telling him I love him: anything to get one of his golden smiles. Four year old Beeba meanders from down the hall, graciously singing ‘Jesus Loves Me’. When I say hello, she gets an ear to ear grin, blushes a red vibrant as a crisp fall apple, and runs to mom or dad. Crossing the room, I pick little toe-headed, blue eyed Ellie up and throw her in the air. Their little sister is just as dear to my heart as Jay and Bee. While Ellie is perfectly healthy, Jayden functions around six years lower than his age, and Beeba functions around two and a half years lower than hers. I still cannot grasp how one small, minute, seemingly invisible molecule could possibly create a six year gap in functionality.
I have learned more about life and love from these kids than I could have ever imagined, and that is why they are such a wonder to me. Knowing these kids and growing to love them has taught me how precious a life is. And that means any life, really, especially those of special needs children.  Like a light on a hill, these kids epitomize what it means to truly be special. They giggle, dance, hum, and play. From them, I have learned about genuine love that knows know bound, no stereotype or judgment. I have learned peace, and being content with the hand I have been dealt. I have learned patience, and what it truly means to put it to work.  Jayden and Beeba know not what others think: they possess child-like faith in God in which I can only dream about. Stefanie and Jut, their parents, have taught me how to love and cherish a child. To me, these kids are irreplaceable; I love them more than anything. They answer the afore mentioned cry to God, “Why?” They respond by showing me life is not promised or guaranteed, yet it is a gift. There is no cookie cutter guide to the progression of life, yet more of a serpentine path that changes as you go. They have shown me what it means to be special, to value a life, and most importantly to love one another.  I look at human nature differently, I view people through a different aperture, and most importantly, I love these kids that much more.
Jayden’s laugh is ranked at the top of my list of my favorite things in the world. One step of intensity above a giggle, a true laugh is not often evoked by me. When it is, my next week is set with smiles every time I think of it. As he climbs next to me on the couch, snuggling up for bed, I think about life. I think of how short it is, to make every moment special and then cherish it. Love is the greatest gift, and I am to give it gladly and share it commonly. I am reminded that God’s plan is not always as happy as we think it should be. It is full of troubles and hardships. Yet life is beautiful in every shape it comes in. So my small wonders are not so small. Though they may weigh less than 100 pounds, they are huge, full of life and love.  Jayden and Brooklyn make impacts on everyone they meet, whether or not they will ever come to know it. These angels teach, comfort, and love: every genuine thing a person could want.